


Healing Loneliness

by elusiverose



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Caring, F/F, Fictober 2020, Girls Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, POV Third Person, Protective Mikasa Ackerman, Royal Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss, Strong Female Characters, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27027337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elusiverose/pseuds/elusiverose
Summary: After reading Ymir’s letter and finally asumming she’ll never see her again, Historia isn’t able to deal with being so lonely anymore. Finding her crying by accident, Mikasa gives her the emotional comfort Historia has been aching for, and they unexpectedly end up getting a bit affectionate with each other.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss
Comments: 2
Kudos: 106





	Healing Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> another fictober work!!! this is probably the rarest pair i’ve ever writen about in aot??? it’s pretty self-indulgent though, i just want historia to be happy and i like to write sapphics even when they come with angst - just a bit this time  
> also i really like writing caring mikasa, she can be such a sweetheart............ i care her  
> note: english isn’t my first language  
> disclaimer: i don’t own attack on titan  
> that’s it for now, hope you enjoy it!!

Ymir’s letter was the only yet the last thing Historia needed that day. The little hopes she had about her loved one being alive were shattered with that letter. Historia knew deep inside from the moment Ymir decided to leave her side they weren’t going to see each other again, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

How could she forget the caresses, the loving gazes, the kisses. Ymir was the love of her life, and she would never forget her, of that she was quite sure. Tears started flowing down her cheeks, though she didn’t move an inch from the chair she was sitting on, not even to dry them.

She then heard steps and looked at the doorway to see Mikasa standing there. The dark-haired woman didn’t feel surprised, but rather a bit uneasy since she had interrupted a very intimate moment for the queen.

“Sorry.” Mikasa said in a low tone. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” She hesitated, but then added. “Your Highness.”

Drying her tears with one hand and still with Ymir’s letter in the other, Historia shook her head. “You never disturb me, Mikasa. And I don’t want to hear more _your highnesses_ coming from any of you. To my friends, I’m just Historia. Okay?”

“Right.” With a nod, Mikasa carefully entered the room. Even if Historia had just read the goodbye letter from the person she loved, she looked like she needed company. “If you want me to go, just say it.”

“Actually, I’d be really grateful if you stay.” Still on the same position, Historia looked melancholily at the window. “I feel like I’m about to break if I’m honest.”

Mikasa knew that even if Historia was speaking sternly, she’d probably lose her sanity if she was left alone. Even if she always showed a calmed and reliable demeanour when dealing with her queen duties, she knew Historia tended to bottle things up. The queen was a strong woman, that was for sure, but that didn’t mean she stopped having feelings. So she just stood there, with her back against the wall, waiting for Historia to say something.

Still looking at the window, Historia spoke. “Can I ask you something, Mikasa?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think it’s normal to be surrounded by a lot of people, and yet feel incredibly lonely?”

Mikasa thought about it for a moment. “I think it is. Loneliness doesn’t always have to mean lack of people. Sometimes one can’t avoid feeling that way, I guess.”

“Have you ever felt like that?”

“A few times. I never thought I’d experience it, but still I did.”

“Even with Eren and Armin with you all the time?”

“Yes.”

“I see. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.” Historia’s questions and reflexions were easily understood by Mikasa. The queen was always surrounded by people, but her friends were most times fighting away from her with the rest of soldiers, and it wasn’t like her position allowed her to make friends or have a lot of time for herself. And now with the certainty of Ymir’s death, Historia had almost reached the limit of her mental stability.

“I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling that way. You know we would stay more if we could.”

“I do.” Historia said with a sad smile. “I have to thank you for standing there and listen to me. You didn’t have to.”

“We’re friends, I worry about you. And I know you’re going through a tough moment, so don’t worry about me.”

“You’re too good.”

“It’s nothing. If there’s something I can do to make you feel better, you can ask for it.”

With an emotionless chuckle, Historia sat up to put Ymir’s letter inside a drawer while talking to Mikasa. “I really doubt you’ll say yes even if I told you what would make me feel better.”

“Why?” Mikasa raised an eyebrow, her curiosity piqued.

“The only thing I need right now is to feel human warmth and affection again. I know it sounds selfish, but I’m tired of feeling lonely.”

Mikasa was expecting to hear something along those lines, so she wasn’t surprised at all. Deep inside, she could relate to Historia. She had always been keeping an eye on Eren – which was her choice, of that she was aware, but still that made her neglect her own needs and feelings. “It doesn’t sound selfish. Besides, I’d rather hear what you really need than you saying everything is fine. Eren was right, you’re better without your people-pleaser façade.”

Historia snorted. “Always so bold. But I really appreciate that.”

A bit hesitatingly, Mikasa spoke. “I could give you that affection you crave so much if you want.”

“I don’t want you to feel used. You don’t deserve that.”

Slowly getting closer, Mikasa spoke calmly. “I won’t feel used. And it’s not like you’ll do this with anyone else, will you?”

“I really doubt I could. I’ve always admired you, you know. You never cared about what others thought about you, you’ve always fought to protect the ones you love, and you were the one who gave me the courage to punch Captain Levi when I became queen.” Mikasa smiled almost unconsciously when remembering the faces of everyone when Historia punched Levi’s arm.

“You know what?” Historia said with a nostalgic sigh. “When I first met you back in the training corps, I thought you were being excessively protective of Eren, almost like a mother.” She chuckled.

“But then you realized Ymir acted the same way towards you.”

“Exactly. I could be wrong about this, but you don’t see Eren the same way Ymir saw me.”

“You’re not wrong. I care about Eren a lot and I’ll do anything in my hands to protect him, but because he’s my family.” Historia gave her a knowing smile, and seeing she didn’t say anything, Mikasa kept talking. “But I meant what I said, I won’t feel used. And what you said is kind of relatable. It’s not like a soldier’s life gives much time to do these kind of things.”

With a deep sigh and still standing, Historia untied her hair and left the hair ties on the bed. “You’re right. Just in case, I’ll ask you once again. Are you sure you want to do it?”

“I am.” Historia got closer Mikasa and locked her eyes with the other woman’s, looking for any trace of doubt. She didn’t find any.

“Close the door.” Historia said as she took off her jacket, moving away from Mikasa again.

Doing as she was told, Mikasa closed and locked the door as she mimicked what Historia did, taking off her own jacket. “Before anything, I need to ask you something.”

“Oh? Go ahead.” Historia said, her back against the wall next to the window.

“Your limits.” Mikasa said simply. “What you’re alright doing and what you don’t want to do.”

“Smart. I don’t want to go further than kissing. You can also touch my face and back, but never underneath my clothes.”

“Alright.”

“What about you? Both parts’ desires matter when it comes to this.”

“Pretty much the same as you, don’t worry.”

Nodding in understanding, Historia beckoned the other woman to come closer with one finger. The moment Mikasa was in front of her, Historia grabbed her by her shirt – trying not to be so rough – and kissed her gently at first.

Mikasa wasn’t as tall as Ymir, but still Historia had to be on her tiptoes to kiss her. Running her hand along Mikasa’s back, Historia deepened the kiss showing how needy she was. Mikasa’s tongue demanded access to Historia’s mouth, and the queen opened it without hesitation, whining slightly when their tongues met.

As Mikasa explored Historia’s mouth, she noticed how the queen’s hands were grabbing the clothes on her back – not strong enough to hurt her, while one of her own hands was against the wall over Historia’s head, supporting her weight.

Due to the lack of air, they eventually had to pull back. It was Mikasa who initiated the next kiss once they recovered their breaths, her free hand slipping in the back of Historia’s head to pull her even closer, earning a low moan from Historia when their tongues met again.

The second time they pulled back, they both gave themselves a few more seconds than the first one to recover their regular breathing rhythm. In an unexpected movement, Historia switched their positions – carefully so Mikasa’s back wouldn’t crash against the wall, and just buried her head in the other woman’s chest.

Mikasa didn’t move for a few seconds and noticed Historia was breathing heavily. “You okay?” She asked, concern in her voice.

“I’m fine.” Historia answered immediately. “It’s just… I haven’t done this for a while. Give me a moment.”

“Alright, but don’t push yourself.” Patiently waiting for Historia to calm down, Mikasa started running a hand through the blonde’s hair while the other one went to her back. Historia had been dealing with loneliness for so long she was getting overwhelmed. Without moving an inch, Mikasa spoke again. “Historia.”

“Hm?”

“Maybe we can’t stay here with you as long as we wanted, but if you want, I can write to you while we’re away.”

Moving away from Mikasa’s chest, Historia looked up to look at the other woman directly in the eyes. “You’ll be busy, I don’t want to be a burden.”

“If you were, I wouldn’t have offered it.” Mikasa’s hands took Historia’s face in them. “I don’t want you to feel lonely again. Let me help you.”

After hesitating for some seconds, Historia’s hands went to take Mikasa’s ones from her face, but instead of releasing them after that, she gently interlaced both of her hands with Mikasa’s. “Okay.” Standing again on her tiptoes, Historia kissed Mikasa again. “You win.”

With a content sigh, Historia let go of Mikasa’s hands and went to sit on the bed, the other woman going after her. Though Mikasa just kept standing next to the bed. “Are you feeling better?”

“Much better, thank you. You?”

“It was… pleasant. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.”

“Is that so? Then would it be selfish if I asked you to keep me company like this more times?”

“It wouldn’t, I’ll be pleased to. But now I should get going, it’s getting late.” Mikasa went to pick her jacket when Historia, still sitting on the bed, grabbed her sleeve.

“Mikasa,” Historia called her in a low, half-pleading whisper. “Please, stay for the night. I don’t want to be alone.”

Mikasa’s eyes showed genuine concern about Historia. “Won’t that get you into trouble? You’re the queen after all.”

“I’ll deal with that, don’t worry. Being queen has its advantages.”

Mikasa thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. “Alright. But let me tell you something first. I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but if your mind starts unconsciously seeing me as a replacement of Ymir, we’ll have to stop this.”

“I would never think of you as a replacement. I won’t deny it would take me a while to get over Ymir, and I’ve already assumed I’ll never forget her. But still, wounds take time to heal.”

“I was counting on that, but I still wanted to tell you just in case. I know you’re not a bad person.” Mikasa said walking closer to Historia again.

“I’m glad you think so highly of me.”

“I mean it, Historia. Even if you’re not in your best moment now, try not to think so low of yourself, alright?” Historia had never seen Mikasa smile so kindly.

“Give me some time, but I promise I’ll try.” Nodding, Historia’s hand went to Mikasa’s arm and pulled her onto the bed next to her. “For now, I just want to sleep.”

At Historia’s words, Mikasa didn’t answer, just pulled the blonde into a hug and tenderly stroked her hair as she wrapped the blanket around them, drifting both of them to sleep. In the end, there was hope for Historia’s heart wounds after all.


End file.
